nolongerinbetween

Cand mariajul lui se impotmolise, in lipsa de sens, de perspectiva, de fuel, mi-a fost usor sa vad ce lipsea si sa pun un diagnostic adecvat. Si desi am stiut ca solutia insemna impingerea mea din centru spre periferie, i-am spus-o. “Give her a child and give yourself a family”. I knew it would be the end of me and of our relationship as it was but I did it nonetheless. That is love.

Cand s-a trezit in anticamera mortii m-am rugat lui Dumnezeu sa il tina in viata. Si pentru ca arhetipul negotului religios dintre om si zeu a presupus intotdeauna un pret oneros, un sacrificiu cu care sa pecetluiesti intelegerea, i-am spus lui Dumnezeu sa ia zile din zilele mele, ani din anii mei ramasi, timp din timpul meu, si sa i le dea lui. Transfuzie de timp. Firul vietii lui derulat din ghemul vietii mele. Even if that will prove to be not for my benefit after all. And it wasn’t. But I did it nonetheless. That is love.

Dupa ce mi-a facut vant pe scarile relatiei, ca sa folosesc o metafora tampita, a revenit dupa un an, deprimat, descentrat, demolat, fara nicio noima, asking for help. Ce situatie mai paradoxala and rewarding at the same time decat sa vezi un abuser intr-o groapa implorand mana victimei sa iasa din ea. As fi putut sa ii intorc spatele like he did. Karma is a bitch rhetoric. Nu sunt un sfant masochist care se mortifica facand bine celor care l-au ranit. But I did it nonetheless. That is love.

It beggars belief that once he grabbed the throw rope and climbed out of the hole he had digged himself into, he left again, after two months, without any explanation or any sign of gratitude or remorse. But again I’m glad that I could help and that he got better. Despite the pain he inflicted upon me again and despite his ungratitude, the greatest sin of all, I do not have any regrets over my kindness. Because the principle is simple: you don’t kick people when they are down but help them rise. I would do it all over again nonetheless. That is love.

Love never paid off. Love never paid back. Love never paid dividends. But I did it nevertheless. For I never regret the love I invested in people.

Trust is another matter altogether.